When I was younger my friends and I would roam the streets. And by roam the streets I mean we walked around our neighborhood doing nothing but talking. As a grew up my sisters and I would go on walks too. When I moved to a new city in college, once in a while my boyfriend (husband now) would walk downtown with me to get some coffee or walk around the neighborhood to talk. There’s just something refreshing about walking and talking. I am fully aware how I probably sound like a 40-year-old mom but hear me out. You’re walking down the street around 1ish maybe, the sun hits your face and warms your hair, and as you talk with your friend you watch as the greenery returns to Earth. It’s a beautiful thing! Of course, as my bae became busier with work and school, I eventually didn’t have any company to share my walks with.
It felt so lonely. I had to start learning how to be myself.
It’s still hard to be alone. Coming from a large family does that to you. It’s a great privilege to have, don’t get me wrong. But once I moved out I started to see how sad my life would be if I depend others to do little things with me like walking and shopping. So eventually I ventured out of the house alone, despite some irrational (and honestly kind of rational) fears. It started out. Walking to work, stopping by the corner Seven Eleven to get a not so great Iced Coffee, and listening to music to get myself ready for the day became a nice way to substitute my walk and talks…and actually released me of those nasty feelings of being “stuck” or “trapped.” This turned into trips downtown by myself and finding my home in a coffeeshop where I could snuggle into a corner and just read alone.
Like I said it, it’s still so fucking hard to deal with. I still hate silence and I could never see myself living alone. Ever. But alone time is needed. Walk and talks are still needed. Fresh air and support are always needed. Balance is key to everything. Most importantly, on this sunny day I can reflect on the fact that I hated even waiting for a bus by myself when I was 19. I reflected on that while I walked in the sun this morning, alone.
Happy Caffeination, Friends!